Dealing with Difficult Feelings: Anger
Gettysburg Presbyterian Church
David C. Wright
Eph. 4:17-5:2
April 24, 2010
My wife is a Baltimore Orioles fan. This weekend we’ve
been watching a series between the Orioles and Red Sox on TV, which
of course, the Orioles are losing. Compared to a game played
between the two clubs in 1894, this series has been pretty calm. In
that series, a famous Orioles player named John McGraw provoked
a fight with the Red Sox third baseman, which soon erupted into
a full-fledged brawl. Fans jumped into the fight. Someone
set fire to the stands, and the stadium burned to the ground. The
fire spread to nearby buildings and 107 buildings in Boston were
burned, all because two baseball players couldn’t control
their temper!
Anger is a tremendously powerful and often destructive emotion. And I’ve
noticed that anger seems to be popping out everywhere today with road rage, irate
radio talk show hosts and TV commentators, and the Tea Party phenomenon- all
fueled by anger.
Our Scripture lesson today
gives us both practical advice on dealing with anger and a spiritual perspective
on the problem. In the fourth chapter of his letter to Christians at Ephesus,
Greece, Paul says that the life of a Christian ought to be radically different
than it would be without Christ. “Now this I affirm and
insist on in the Lord; you must no longer live as the Gentiles live...” (Eph.
4:17) Paul goes on to say that the lives of Christians are being transformed
by the Spirit of Christ. That their lives are being renewed, so that they
can live the way God originally intended human beings to live. Theologians
refer to this as “sanctification,” a process in which we become
holy people, more and more like Jesus, in mind and heart and in action.
In that context, Paul
addresses the issue of anger, beginning in verse 26. Be angry but do
not sin;
do not let the sun go
down on your anger,
27 and do not make room for the devil.
28 Thieves must give up stealing;
rather let them labor and work honestly with their own hands, so as to
have something to share with the needy.
29 Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful
for building up, as there
is need, so that your words may give grace to
those who hear.
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God,
with which you were marked with a seal for
the day of redemption.
31 Put away from you all bitterness and wrath
and anger and
wrangling and slander, together with all malice,
32 and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has
forgiven you.
1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved
children,
2 and live in love, as Christ loved
us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
(Eph. 4:25- 5:2)
Christians should deal
differently with anger than other people. Paul says, “Be angry
but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room
for the devil.” (Eph. 4:26,27) Here he makes three main
points about dealing with anger. The first is a recognition that people
are going to get angry sometimes. He understand that anger in itself is
not sin. Moses became angry when he descended from Mt. Sinai with the 10
commandments only to find the Israelites bustin’ a move around the golden
calf. Even Jesus became angry when he found religious leaders using the
temple to rip off pilgrim worshipers. Although we all get angry, and though
there are times that we should become angry, nevertheless, anger is a powerful
and caustic force that must be handled carefully.
So Paul says, “...do
not let the sun go down on your anger.” In other words, deal
with it quickly. When anger is unresolved, one of several destructive scenarios
can result. We can allow it to fester within us, nurturing and rehearsing
the wrongs that were done to us. But as that anger builds up inside us,
it can cause high blood pressure, heart problems, and ulcers.
A study by the Gallup organization ranked cities on what they called a hostility
index. (By the way, Philadelphia was ranked as having the most hostile
environment in the country!) Medical experts looking at the results noted
a correlation between a high ranking on the hostility index and high death rates. Dr.
Redford Williams of Duke University Medical School commented, “Anger kills. There
is a strong correlation between hostility and death rates. The angrier
people are and the more cynical they are, the shorter their life span.” An
angry person pays a high personal price for holding onto that anger.
And anger can also be
destructive to others. At some point, an angry person may just explode
with rage- attacking the person he feels has wronged him. Or he may dump
his anger on someone “safer,” like a spouse or child or the family
dog! In the throes of unleashing pent-up anger, we often say and do things
that are extraordinarily hurtful to another person, causing damage to that relationship
that we may not be able to repair. Alternately, instead of directly expressing
our anger, some of us choose to gossip or slander or spread our inner poison
to others, causing divisions among friends or family or church members, and destroying
harmonious relationships.
When anger is not dealt with quickly it can be destructive to us, to our relationships,
and to our attitude toward life. This is what Paul has in mind when he
cautions us to “not give the devil a foothold”- the destructive
effects of anger. So Paul counsels us to deal with anger quickly.
Now for some of us, that
is easier said than done. So, how can we deal with our anger quickly and
in ways that are not destructive? First, we have to figure out what caused
it. That insight will often determine our best response. For example,
some anger comes out of frustration. Have you ever been in a hurry to
check out of a grocery store and gotten stuck behind an indecisive, maddeningly-slow
shopper? They want to challenge the price of every item. They’ve
got an envelope full of coupons to sort through. And then they can’t
find their checkbook. And maybe a slow cashier compounds the problem! Frustration
in situations like that can lead to anger.
What do we do with frustration
anger? Sometimes we can go to the source of our frustration and try to
change the situation so it is not so frustrating for us. (By the way, that
is best done when we are not enraged!) Other times there is nothing that
can be done. When that is the case, we can sometimes resolve the anger
by stepping back and trying to gain some perspective on the situation. In
the big scheme of things, in the course of an 80-90-year life, in light of the
history of the world, how important is this thing, really? Sometimes a
simple reality check on our situation can help to relieve our frustration anger.
But psychologists tell us that most anger between people comes from hurt. In
Oklahoma City, brief notes written with heavy black ink on hot pink paper were
taped to elevators, walls, posts and doors in an underground concourse. They
read, “Harold, you inconsiderate wimp. This is the LAST time you
will forget our anniversary. Don’t bother coming home- the locks
have been changed. See you in court. Rachel.” Yikes! Anger
arises when someone says or does something that wounds us. That hurt is
often expressed as anger.
For some, especially us men, it is very hard to admit this cause of anger. To
admit hurt makes us seem weak and vulnerable, so we come up with alternative
explanations for our anger, no matter how far-fetched they may sound! Instead,
we need to learn to admit our hurt and then talk with the one who hurt us and
see if we can settle the situation. Again, that is best done when our immediate
flash of anger has subsided somewhat.
Paul’s point is
that we must deal constructively with our anger- not suppress it, not attack
others with it, not blame others for it, not nurture it in our hearts. Deal
with it soon, before it takes root and destroys us or others. And that’s
what his words in verses 30-32 are about. And do not grieve the Holy
Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. Put
away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together
with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one
another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” Anger can destroy
relationships, causing slander and fighting and malice. That grieves the
work of God’s Spirit in our midst, who is working to build a supportive
Christian community. Rather, Paul says, practice kindness, tenderheartedness,
and forgiveness. One clear indication of the work of God’s Spirit
in the heart of any person is their ability to deal with their anger in ways
that are not destructive to themselves or others.
I’d like to close
this sermon with a few words for those of you who have to deal regularly with
people who are not in control of their anger. Family members. Colleagues
at work. Fellow church members. I remember one particular colleague
at a church where I served. He was inwardly seething all the time. He
reminded me of a jar of nitroglycerine. You never knew when some little
jolt would set off a major explosion, and, unfortunately, I was the recipient
of several of his explosions. By the way, that’s one of the characteristics
of a person who is not dealing well with their anger- their reactions are often
totally out of proportion to what is actually taking place.
I did learn a few things
about dealing with such an angry person, but I confess, I’m still not very
good at it. First, remember the biblical admonition, “A soft answer
turns away wrath.” (Prov. 15:1) When you are attacked by an angry
person, responding in anger only ratchets up their rage. Don’t engage
an enraged person in debate. Respond softly and walk away, agreeing to
meet later when you can both discuss things more calmly. But then you do need
to discuss things and to confront the anger.
Remember, angry people tend to look for someone weak on whom to vent their anger
periodically. You don’t want to be that weak person. And it
is not loving to allow an angry person to continue in those destructive patterns. Such
patterns are harmful to them. And it is unhealthy for you to suffer that
kind of abuse. And if you are living with an angry spouse, it is also harmful
to your children.
A writer was once observing
Amish children for an article he was going to write. He watched the children
on the playground and was surprised to see that they never yelled or screamed
at each other. He approached the schoolmaster and asked, “Do you
have any idea why the children get along so well and don’t yell at one
another?” The schoolmaster replied, “Have you ever seen an
Amish adult yell at another person?” Your children are learning anger
management from you and your spouse. What are you teaching them?
If these simple steps
are ineffective in dealing with an angry person, you may need the help
of a third party. Counselors have training and skill to help people deal
with their anger. Seek that help when you need it. Even if the angry
person won’t go to counseling, you go and learn some specific skills for
handling the anger of the other person.
A grandfather whose grandson
came to him with anger at a schoolmate, said, “Let me tell you a story. I
too have felt hate for those who have deliberately hurt me with no sorrow for
what they have done. But hate wears you down and does not hurt your enemy. It
is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die!”
He continued, “It
is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm,
unless it is absolutely necessary to protect the weak. But the other wolf,
ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him off. He
fights everyone. It is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for
both of them try to dominate my spirit.”
“Which one wins,
grandpa?” asked the little boy.
The grandfather answered, “The one I feed.”
Paul reminds us to feed the work of the Spirit of God in our hearts and to starve
the old nature with its inner rage. (SLIDE #7)
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